Have u ever woken up one day and hated what u saw in the mirror? I hate myself today and i doubt that any of that would change tomorrow.. I'm not a bad son but I'm far from being a good one. Hey i'm not that good a brother either. Right now i am failing in all aspects of responsibility assigned to me.. On a smaller scale, I've even stopped scoring for bluebay.. I think Mak's right, i need a change of lifestyle, i need to take charge of my life cos i can't depend on my parents forever.. She keeps comparing me to all her frenz's daughters and sons in NUS/NTU who teach tuition, earn their own keep, lead independenyt lifestyles.. I hate it when she does that but i know she means well.. Sometimes i think that everything good that has happened to me is purely by chance.. my education, the fact i ended up in SJI, the fact i became an officer during NS.. The fact that i am the eldest in the family, i never earned all these priviliges.. maybe i just happened to be at the right place at the right time i dunno, yah Ida ure right, everything does seem bleak right now.. The last few days subconsciously i have been picking at my faults, every sinew of flaw i have on me and analysing them to the last atomic molecule.. Breaking them down and breaking down at the same time.. This is no wallowing in self-pity, this is an action plan where i'm analysing and identifying my faults and choosing the best course of action. My mission statement: I wanna be someone that i respect, i wanna be responsible and to fulfill my various obligations to the best of my ability. My positioning: someone people (friends, family, peers) can depend on. Damn this is sounding more and more like my marketing report. Bottomline is that i need to change, i hate myself more and more. Why do i envy people so much, why am i so insecure, why do i need to let people know what i'm feeling all the time and how did i get this extroverted? I guess as long as this problems remain unsolved i shall not burden a girl to go thru this process with me, i need to grow, to relearn the meaning of responsibility, integrity, of kindness and of sacrifice. My basic foundations are shaky, maybe due to the many influences around me (mass media, friends, socially-acceptable role-models) and i need to be who i was from 95--98, a Josephian.. someone who had principles, who believed in them and did what he could to uphold them. Argh, i guess my blog layout wasn't the only thing that needed a revamp.. My whole life, my values, dare i say it, maybe even the crowd i hang around with.. I have turned into a bastard, a competitor, i wanna start caring again before i turn into ack! a victorian.. hahaha.. I need to sit down, i need to ponder.. this is a bad time, my exams are just around the corner and i'm gonna settle into hermit reflection mode.. Damn.. and Sha's right, i should stop being so defensive. about everything and anything.. Argh, ok guys if i dun feel like goin out the next few days pls understand, MAN IN TRANSITION. My objectives: to be a man of integrity, responsible in all obligations entrusted to him and eventually; to earn self-respect.