Semi suicidal tendencies

It happened today. In school, it was only the 5th floor, looking down at the atrium. At the spot 5 floors below. At the spot where i would land if...

When i was young i used to dream i could fly. I'd be standing on the parapet of a building, i dun noe where but i remember the OG logo distinctly somewhere behind me. I used to look down and see people. Little specks carrying on with their daily lives, oblivious to the little boy tip toeing across the little pathway above, so narrow only his little feet could pass thru.. After loitering on his little perch for what seemed like an eternity, he would take a step forward and let himself...drop. This would last longer, more than an eternity, almost feeling like forever.. The ground seemed so far, yet so near at the same time.. As the cold hard floor came up to greet him, he would close his eyes, almost as though in prayer, and leave behind, his problems. As he closed his subconscious eyes, he blinked them open to a dark room and to an even darker reality. What problems do kids have anyway? Well, if u have ever been a kid, u'd probably understand. Maybe not. You're not me.

Maybe it was because of those dreams that i always thought i had a phobia of heights.. I was so wrong.

Everytime i look out of a window, to the world below me. Everytime, i look off a railing. I wonder what would happen if i propelled myself forward. If i launched myself off my feet. How would i land? What would happen if i closed my eyes in mid-flight? Would i wake up in another place? Would i have solved all my problems? Sometimes the urge is so strong. I wrap my arms around the railings. I clench the horizontal poles till my palms ache. I fear not the height but the depth. Of my semi suicidal tendencies. It calls me. Calls me. Calls me. Calls me. Calls me...

This is NOT a suicide note. I just never told anyone. And don't talk to me about this. Ever. I'm fine.